August 8, 2009
Dear mom & Frank,
First of all, I didn’t take out the garbage like you asked because I’m not your slave. I’m your son.
Secondly, I’m dead. And I’ll tell you why I’m dead.
On June 3, 2009 I met the most beautiful woman in the world. I mean, not this physical world that I existed in, but a perfect world called Second Life. Her name was Augustana and she was my dream girl. She had flowing white hair and the prettiest digital smile my computer screen had ever seen. We’d fly around over the sea at night, just her and I, like a couple of sea birds. I like to think we were just a couple of Albatrosses, but she liked us being Peacocks. And I would say, “Augustana, Peacocks can’t fly,” and she’d say, “They can, but only short distances. So if we fall into this ocean, we’ll drown together.” That gave me such a love boner every time.
We would come down from our flight and she’d caress my long, flowing Flexi-Hair and rub her face on my goatee. And I knew we were in love. And then I’d go fuck her brains out in my heart-shaped bed. Just passionate, boundless, unforgettable sex. I swear to God, I could make love like that in real life. And, honestly Mom, I don’t care if you are gasping as you read this. My brains are splattered all over my room, so get over it.
Ok, so this is why I blew my brains out. On our 2nd month anniversary, 5 days ago, she told me something very saddening. She told me that she found my Facebook page, saw how ugly I am, and broke up with me. And, you know, it kind of felt like she broke my real heart. The only other time I’ve dealt with rejection this badly was when I played pick-up basketball with Hakeem Olajuwon. But, not only did she say I was ugly, but she just got married to Zephyr, the king of Virtual Africa. So, I teleported to Virtual Africa as quickly as I could to message back and forth with her, but she already made up her mind. She decided to stay in VA.
So, what do you do when your real life and your fake life fucking suck and you’re 42 and you work at a gas station and you are bald and Augustana marries Zephyr? You call uncle Mike, tell him you want to go quail hunting alone with his 20-gauge shotgun, and you turn on Creed. That’s what you do, Mom.
Like Scott Stapp says:
“These miles of memories
Seem to lose their beauty
You’re fine, you’re amazing
Not thinking of me”
Hey, don’t forget to call Citgo and tell Ron.
See ya, bitch!
-Cliff@7 months ago with 3 notes