Rooibos Cop.
#imalittleteacop
#rooiboscop

Rooibos Cop.

#imalittleteacop

#rooiboscop

@6 months ago

Life Hiatus

Street cleaning tickets. Bullshit.

A broken molar.  Bullshit.

Leaving your baby at the mall.  Bullshit.

Bullshit.  All of it.

Get ready for this, though.  I’ve been working on a patent for an idea and it’s called Life Hiatus.  Basically, when you don’t want to live, you just go on a hiatus…from life.  I would go more in depth about the process, but it involves a bunch of trigonometry and, quite frankly, I’m sick of saying the word “hypotenuse”.

Put simply, it’s a temporary escape from the bullshit that I referenced earlier.

 This idea was constructed when my favorite team from back home lost a game  24-23 in the waning seconds of a divisional matchup.  And I hate the other team so much.  Their coach is a piece of shit.  But, so my friend and I were like, “Let’s kill ourselves, but only for a couple of hours.”  Then when we came back, we were totally fine.  We were still devastated by the loss, which I guess doesn’t mean we were totally fine, but we felt okay-ish.  I describe Life Hiatus as a pinch of “let’s take a nap” and a dab of “I’ve survived for too long, so I’ll just end it here.”

My friend and I use Life Hiatus all the time.  Last weekend, we took a hiatus because we went fishing and didn’t catch anything.  It was so disheartening.  But, that’s the best part of taking a Life Hiatus.  Instead of getting upset or sad, you just don’t exist for a bit.  You just kind of…yeah, you just don’t exist.  It’s weird and hard to fathom, but so important to the evolution of modern humanity.  That’s my belief.

Life’s too hard to not get a free pass sometimes or just like EVERY time.  And life’s too short to deal with things that aren’t cool, you know?

@7 months ago with 1 note

2012 Family Christmas Portraits w/ Adi Goodrich.

This year, we made them Shrinky Dinks and glued magnets on the back.  Functional.

@1 year ago with 1 note
I hate pooping in public.  For my portfolio school application, I had to invent something that solved an everyday “problem”.  I like to think that this is the reason that I got in.  Get on the Poop Shoes train.
       "Oh, man.  Being a clown is the kookiest thing I’ve ever done.  Like, the one time that I dressed up as Rodney Dangerfield for Halloween; that was funny.  My mom was totally dying when I kept saying, “No respect!”  Haha.  By the way, Ladybugs was HILARIOUS!  I can’t even imagine what it’s going to be like in 3-D.  Oh, but yeah.  Becoming a clown after Margaret divorced me was totally the funniest thing that I’ve done in the 45 years that I’ve been alive.
            This one story that I’m about to tell you sounds outrageous because, if you know me, you know that I’ve been on the Atkins diet for like 13 years now and I rarely eat fast food.  But, this birthday party that I was working at in West Virginia was catered by Taco Bell, so I had no healthier options.  Also, this really polite kid with glasses told me that it was also sponsored by Mountain Dew and, somehow, Eminem.  I know, hard to believe, but there were Eminem posters all over the place and literally everyone was drinking Mountain Dew.  He also had glasses, so he definitely couldn’t be lying.  Anyways, my stomach started to hurt before I was scheduled to perform in front of all 27 of those young kids!  My aunt said it was probably the process in which they extracted the dew from the mountains in that certain batch, but I read on webmd.com that it was most likely from the fried foods.
            So, I’m in the basement of this church where I’m going to be performing in the next half an hour and my stomach won’t stop hurting.  I was really thinking about leaving, but that 65 dollars that I was promised was more than enough to keep me motivated.  So, I went upstairs and found a bathroom.
            Now, if you’re anything like me, not only do you think that Pamela Anderson is God’s gift to humanity because she’s so super dedicated to animal rights, but you also hate pooping in public because people can see your feet when you are in the stall.  Luckily, there was some genius that invented Poop Shoes and, luckily for me, the first dispenser was in this church bathroom in West Virginia.  So, basically, Poop Shoes are these like disposable paper shoes that you slip over your real shoes so that when you are in a stall, no one knows who is really in there.  Also, it’s pretty cool that they look like loafers.  According to my research, I found out that loafers are still some of the most popular shoes in the world.  My joke was this: “What world? The 1950’s?”  My mom loved that joke!  But really, Poop Shoes are like a really sneaky disguise.  I like to think of it like the Boushh disguise that Princess Leia Organa wore in Return of the Jedi.  Such a good comparison, right?
            Now, this bathroom wasn’t as private as I would have liked it to be, and lots of kids kept coming in and saying, “Eewwwww” really loudly.  It like really hurt my feelings because if Rodney Dangerfield came in there, he would have probably said something more clever.  But, these kids were being so mean!  Luckily, those little rapscallions had no clue who was in the stall because I had Poop Shoes covering my sweet clown shoes.  And, the best part is that I just flushed them down the toilet when I was done because the genius that invented them was really set on making them completely disposable and environmentally-friendly.  I just had to wait until I didn’t hear a noise in the bathroom to open the stall and run out of there.  Dude, those kids had no idea that it was me.  Oh, and they loved their balloon animals. DUH.”
                 

I hate pooping in public.  For my portfolio school application, I had to invent something that solved an everyday “problem”.  I like to think that this is the reason that I got in.  Get on the Poop Shoes train.


       "Oh, man.  Being a clown is the kookiest thing I’ve ever done.  Like, the one time that I dressed up as Rodney Dangerfield for Halloween; that was funny.  My mom was totally dying when I kept saying, “No respect!”  Haha.  By the way, Ladybugs was HILARIOUS!  I can’t even imagine what it’s going to be like in 3-D.  Oh, but yeah.  Becoming a clown after Margaret divorced me was totally the funniest thing that I’ve done in the 45 years that I’ve been alive.

            This one story that I’m about to tell you sounds outrageous because, if you know me, you know that I’ve been on the Atkins diet for like 13 years now and I rarely eat fast food.  But, this birthday party that I was working at in West Virginia was catered by Taco Bell, so I had no healthier options.  Also, this really polite kid with glasses told me that it was also sponsored by Mountain Dew and, somehow, Eminem.  I know, hard to believe, but there were Eminem posters all over the place and literally everyone was drinking Mountain Dew.  He also had glasses, so he definitely couldn’t be lying.  Anyways, my stomach started to hurt before I was scheduled to perform in front of all 27 of those young kids!  My aunt said it was probably the process in which they extracted the dew from the mountains in that certain batch, but I read on webmd.com that it was most likely from the fried foods.

            So, I’m in the basement of this church where I’m going to be performing in the next half an hour and my stomach won’t stop hurting.  I was really thinking about leaving, but that 65 dollars that I was promised was more than enough to keep me motivated.  So, I went upstairs and found a bathroom.

            Now, if you’re anything like me, not only do you think that Pamela Anderson is God’s gift to humanity because she’s so super dedicated to animal rights, but you also hate pooping in public because people can see your feet when you are in the stall.  Luckily, there was some genius that invented Poop Shoes and, luckily for me, the first dispenser was in this church bathroom in West Virginia.  So, basically, Poop Shoes are these like disposable paper shoes that you slip over your real shoes so that when you are in a stall, no one knows who is really in there.  Also, it’s pretty cool that they look like loafers.  According to my research, I found out that loafers are still some of the most popular shoes in the world.  My joke was this: “What world? The 1950’s?”  My mom loved that joke!  But really, Poop Shoes are like a really sneaky disguise.  I like to think of it like the Boushh disguise that Princess Leia Organa wore in Return of the Jedi.  Such a good comparison, right?

            Now, this bathroom wasn’t as private as I would have liked it to be, and lots of kids kept coming in and saying, “Eewwwww” really loudly.  It like really hurt my feelings because if Rodney Dangerfield came in there, he would have probably said something more clever.  But, these kids were being so mean!  Luckily, those little rapscallions had no clue who was in the stall because I had Poop Shoes covering my sweet clown shoes.  And, the best part is that I just flushed them down the toilet when I was done because the genius that invented them was really set on making them completely disposable and environmentally-friendly.  I just had to wait until I didn’t hear a noise in the bathroom to open the stall and run out of there.  Dude, those kids had no idea that it was me.  Oh, and they loved their balloon animals. DUH.”

                 

@1 year ago with 1 note

Mom.

Mom,

You probably have heard of me before, but let me reintroduce myself.  I’m Gordon, your son.  If you can recall, I had a satisfactory career as a child actor, which definitely included being the spokesboy of Crystal Pepsi.  You may remember this product.  It was similar to Pepsi, but it was clear…kind of like Crystal or air.  You know what, you could probably throw water and glass in there also.  So, this was a great soda and I liked to drink it.  The reason why I am telling you this is because I worked out a sweet deal with Pepsi which included your forged signature, five years of free Crystal Pepsi, and went on to not include any sort of money or me in your house…because I ran away to an undisclosed location because I didn’t want Dad drinking all of my Pepsi.  Looking back on it now, I would say that I made a fairly terrible decision in running away because now I’m writing you this email through a dial-up connection at an internet café in Laos and I have “Gotta Keep ‘Em Separated” tattooed on my forehead. 

P.S., Mom,

Crystal Pepsi didn’t last five years and I don’t want to tell you how a) I got to Laos or b) how I made money, but I wouldn’t come kill you if you sent me a few bucks.

Love,

Gordon

@2 years ago with 2 notes
@6 months ago

August 8, 2009

Dear mom & Frank,

First of all, I didn’t take out the garbage like you asked because I’m not your slave.  I’m your son.

Secondly, I’m dead.  And I’ll tell you why I’m dead.

On June 3, 2009 I met the most beautiful woman in the world.  I mean, not this physical world that I existed in, but a perfect world called Second Life.  Her name was Augustana and she was my dream girl.  She had flowing white hair and the prettiest digital smile my computer screen had ever seen.  We’d fly around over the sea at night, just her and I, like a couple of sea birds.  I like to think we were just a couple of Albatrosses, but she liked us being Peacocks.  And I would say, “Augustana, Peacocks can’t fly,” and she’d say, “They can, but only short distances.  So if we fall into this ocean, we’ll drown together.”  That gave me such a love boner every time.  

We would come down from our flight and she’d caress my long, flowing Flexi-Hair and rub her face on my goatee.  And I knew we were in love.  And then I’d go fuck her brains out in my heart-shaped bed.  Just passionate, boundless, unforgettable sex.  I swear to God, I could make love like that in real life.  And, honestly Mom, I don’t care if you are gasping as you read this.  My brains are splattered all over my room, so get over it.

Ok, so this is why I blew my brains out.  On our 2nd month anniversary, 5 days ago, she told me something very saddening.  She told me that she found my Facebook page, saw how ugly I am, and broke up with me.  And, you know, it kind of felt like she broke my real heart.  The only other time I’ve dealt with rejection this badly was when I played pick-up basketball with Hakeem Olajuwon.  But, not only did she say I was ugly, but she just got married to Zephyr, the king of Virtual Africa.  So, I teleported to Virtual Africa as quickly as I could to message back and forth with her, but she already made up her mind.  She decided to stay in VA.  

So, what do you do when your real life and your fake life fucking suck and you’re 42 and you work at a gas station and you are bald and Augustana marries Zephyr?  You call uncle Mike, tell him you want to go quail hunting alone with his 20-gauge shotgun, and you turn on Creed.  That’s what you do, Mom.

Like Scott Stapp says: 

“These miles of memories

Seem to lose their beauty

You’re fine, you’re amazing

Not thinking of me”

Hey, don’t forget to call Citgo and tell Ron.  

See ya, bitch!

-Cliff

@1 year ago with 3 notes
Late birthday gift for my sister, Adi Goodrich.

Late birthday gift for my sister, Adi Goodrich.

@1 year ago with 2 notes

Wired 4 Weird

Kids are fucking stupid.  Actually, James Ryan Goodrich as a young and chunky boy is fucking stupid.

 

Who the fuck really thinks it’s possible to be the animated cat on Paula Abdul’s “Opposites Attract” video?

 

Oh, you don’t want to trick or treat? You’re nine.  Well, what do you plan on doing instead? What? You just want to sit on your front porch dressed as the guy from Hellraiser and scare kids who want candy?  What are you saying? I can’t hear you because you’re mumbling.  Oh, you yourself are so timid that, when they walk up, you just don’t move at all because you are completely shy?  And so these kids are all enjoying themselves, getting bags full of candy and running around after dark, but you…are sitting completely still on your porch waiting to find some goddamn courage? Sounds really cool, little Jim.

 

Hey, why don’t you want to swim with all of the other kids?  WHAT??? Your tiny nipples are inverted? Like the underside of a Cowrie shell?  Ok, that makes sense. Don’t go swimming.  Yeah, you really should collect Geodes instead.

 

Wait, hold on.  Let me try to understand this, little weirdo.  You aren’t looking for empathy and you don’t like Stevie Wonder’s music, but you just really want to be blind like him?  Does your mom know that you’re staring at the sun for extended periods of time so that you can reach your ultimate goal of not being able to see a fucking thing? 

 

Are you punching yourself in your eyes so that you can expedite your blindness?  Oh, that makes a lot of sense.  You just think black eyes look cool. All right, keep going then.  You know what?  CAN I PUNCH YOU IN THE EYES, PLEASE, IDIOT?

@2 years ago with 3 notes

3-minute Family Portraits.

Illustrated by: James Goodrich

Colorer and Name-Writer: Adrianne Goodrich

@2 years ago with 9 notes